Miscanthus in Bondage

I have to say that I have outgrown my love affair with the lovely Miss Canthus Sinensis.

She (we’ll just call her Maidenhair) is beautiful in youth, but, to be perfectly blunt, does not age well. You may think me shallow, but I have moved on to trimmer, more genteel subjects—Cally Magrostis, for example, and Pani Cum. For one thing, Maidenhair doubles in breadth each year. Just take a moment to absorb the implications of this. Those who have naively invited her into their lives have several options, none of which is appealing. Murder is one. Corseting (demonstrated above) is another. As you can see this just makes her look cheap.

Some who are desperate to rein in her rowdy nature resort to fencing her in, and then trimming the wildness away thus depriving her of both freedom and personality. I hate this. Dividing and conquering is nearly impossible. She has very deep roots and will stand her ground until you either admit defeat, or decide that maybe offspring are not in your best interest anyway.

But, observe the consequences when she is left to her own behavior. Not a pretty sight.




If you are wondering if I have the answer I will keep you waiting no longer. It is imperfect, but will allow the gentle in spirit to permit Maidenhair to keep her dignity. You can think of it as a grapefruit diet for grasses, but truth be told it is more like amputation. If your Maiden has become heartless (never a good thing, but better than a similar condition: rotten at the core) in her mature years, you can offer her a heart transplant. This is a lengthy operation, and requires persistence and diligence, though not much skill. The emptiness where once you placed an innocent little grass plant will become one edge of your revitalized Maiden. Decide which edge, grab a satisfying handful of grass, and bind it. Then cut away everything else. Be absolutely merciless, leaving but a stubble. Chop the disembodied parts into pieces to use as mulch, covering the stubble as deeply as possible to deprive it of sunlight. You will need to repeat this about three times during the season, and probably at least once the following year. But your mission, to make Maidenhair young once more, will have been accomplished. I warn you though, she will grow fat and old again.

It’s what she does.

This sidewalk will soon become a walk-beside.